Balancing Through a Storm

Title: Balancing Through a Storm
Author: Qzeebrella
Fandom: Star Trek the Original Series
Disclaimer: the show and its characters are Paramount's, no profit
is being made
Pairing: Spock/McCoy
Author's e-mail:
Archive: Spockmccoyhaven, ASCEML
Summary: Spock after being infected is told "how we must torture
you" seeks solitude to control his emotions. Missing scene.
Feedback: I hunger for it, thirst for it, I need it more than I need
chocolate. Please give it to me.
Category: Slash
Rating: G
10th wave challenge: Write a S/Mc involving The Naked Time.
Warning: angst


Humans call me logical
Say Vulcans live for reason
Believe they have no emotion
Constantly besieging me
With teasing, ridicule, encouragement
To show emotion
Never considering the reality
Of what could result
If I gave in.

Day after day
I am surrounded by aliens
Those who do not share
My blood
My culture or my beliefs
Those with the barest
Most basic knowledge of Vulcans
Who day after day
Point out how harsh, how severe
My behavior is.

Never seeing how their behavior
Is so very, very severe
They throw emotions at me
As if hoping
To erode my control
Extolling the virtues of
Emotions, hunches, acting on impulse
Pushing always at me
To let myself feel.

They shun all mention of
Reasoning, careful planning
Acting in a logical, methodical manner
All mention of their using logic
Or of being methodical
In their work
With their research
Even if they reach their decisions
Through logic.

He hears them day after day
Saying vicious things
Uttering petty cruelties
Stone face, green blood
Satanic, overgrown elf, hobgoblin
Cold-blooded, pointy eared Vulcan"
Always about how he looks
His appearance and his race
Why no creativity.

Remembering his childhood
The cruelty and viciousness
Of children to those different
"Emotional, change-face, half-breed
Illogical, irrational, ill-formed
Touchy-feely human, false Vulcan"
Always about his emotions
His supposedly showing them
As if he was somehow below them.

No one seeing him
The person not the race
The man he is
No one seeing how he balances
Upon a tightrope to remain himself
In the face of the constant barrage
The constant bombardment of emotion
Not seeing how he yearns
To let himself fall into emotion.

He knows that letting go
By releasing control
By letting himself fall into
Will lead only to madness
To unthinking rage
To fall of the tightrope of control
Would lead to savageness
To the unending depths
Of despair.

So he carefully balances
Week by week, day by day
Minute by minute and even by
The second
Barraged on all sides
With other people's expectations
With other people's ideas
Of what he should be like
Of who he should be
Never letting him be himself.

Bombarded by ridicule
From crewmates and friends
Wondering why the ridicule from one
So very much more
Than all the others combined
Why Leonard's words pierce deeper
Causes his soul, his Katra to bleed
And he despairs at the thought
That Leonard will never care.

Why is that thought
So painful that it tears him apart
Why does it cut into him
Why must it hurt more
To believe he can not have it
To think that Leonard will never learn
To care for him
To want and need him
Makes it hard to breathe.

And he wonders why
His face is wet
Why his lungs are heaving
Why does he hear someone sobbing
"He'll never love me"
And why is it
That his heart is squeezed
Torn apart and bleeding as he sits here
With his head in his hands.

He sits here with head in hands
Salty water trailing down his face
From his eyes to his lips
Knowing he'll never stop wanting
Never stop needing the love
The one thing he knows
He will likely never have
And believing he does not deserve
Leonard's love.

And he cries.