The Spotter's Guide to the Common McCoy THE SPOTTER'S GUIDE TO THE COMMON McCOY (as transcribed by Nemo the Everbeing) --The McCoy (Medicus Emotionalis) The McCoy is approximately five-foot-ten and can be identified by wavy brown hair, striking blue eyes with accompanying bags underneath, and a surprising agility. Its calls often sound like "I'm a doctor, not a (fill in the blank)", "he's dead, Jim,", and "Jesus God, you sure as hell better not stop that, Spock!" This creature originated in the South-Eastern United States, more specifically from the state of Georgia, and can now be numbered as a hard-to-find, but very fascinating fanfiction being. --Common Environments The McCoy has unhappily adapted itself to existence in outer space. This adaptation, though successful, has caused a distinct vocal pattern to emerge in its behavior, notably loud grumbling and snide remarks directed toward the Spock (though occasionally a Kirk or a Scotty will also be on the receiving end of such vocalizations). A life in space, however it has altered the McCoy, has allowed it to spread across the universe, a phenomenon infinitely thrilling to all true naturalists. Having said this, the most common locations to discover this creature are in its Sickbay, the Spock's quarters (or, in some naturalists' speculations, in the Kirk's quarters— see "Audubon's Guide to the Mating habits of Starfleeters"), and on strange worlds which often result in temporary damage to the McCoy. --Appearance The McCoy is most often distinguished by the Standard Starfleet Haircut™, the distinctive eyes and bags previously mentioned, and blue medic's uniform, often indistinguishable from blue pajamas and black bell-bottoms. Said pants are usually found tucked into HIGHLY uncomfortable boots, though whether this was a freak accident of nature or some sort of mysterious natural instinct is unknown. Further study of the McCoy's legs is required. --Distinguishing features It is often noted that several sub-species of the McCoy can be found in locales containing high alcohol content, often causing impaired judgment. This inevitably leads to the McCoy's immediate and intense search for the nearest Spock. It may also be noted that, due to an unsuccessful mating to a former, and as yet unidentified partner, the McCoy is often a bit hesitant when it comes to mating. Inducement is often needed. As are pointed ears and a tendency to use words like "logical" and "fascinating". --Predators The most common predator of the McCoy is the Evil Alien Telepath (Sophus Giganticus Nastycus). For reasons as yet undetermined by science, these creatures are particularly drawn to the Common McCoy, and will inevitably attack it should they see it. More specifically, its natural enemies include EvilMirror!Spock (Reflecticus Vulcanus Diabolicis), Salt Monsters (Mimicus HotChickus ReallyUglyAssicus), and the occasional Paranoid Alien Population (Rusticus Alienicus Idiocans). The McCoy may also be injured in courtship rituals with the Spock, particularly the PonnFarr!Spock. --Mating Habits While the McCoy prefers to seek out a Spock, if one is unwilling or unavailable, the McCoy may bait the Spock by seeking out various Natiras, Kirks and Eleeans. Its goal is not to mate with these species, but to draw the Spock into a courtship. Once this has been established, the ritual bitching, arguing, and innuendoes will ensue. If all goes well, these will soon change to much moaning, labored breathing, and language inappropriate for such an academic setting. --Sub-Species -Angst!McCoy (Medicus Emotionalis Dolores)- This creature is characterized by tendencies to make its nest near a ready supply of alcohol. It is often depressed and angry, mostly because the Spock is not requiting its affection. This species, though unhappy and full of pain, is rarely a danger to others, more often possessing self-destructive tendencies. WARNING: Should you encounter the Angst!McCoy, a willing Spock must be secured and presented at once, or self-destruction will occur in thirty seconds. -SnipyBitchy!McCoy- (Medicus Emotionalis Adversarius)- This creature is marked by a near-constant growling. Although on first sight this animal appears dangerous, one must be assured that its bark is worse than its bite. Should a Spock approach a SnipyBitchy!McCoy, growling will ensue from both parties, followed by furious mating for at least twenty-four hours. It is highly unlikely, after such an occurrence, that one or both of these creatures will emerge from the encounter able to sit comfortably. -SoDamnSweet!McCoy (Medicus Emotionalis Amicicus) This creature is most often found near the Angst subspecies of the other Enterprise creatures, being a very empathic being (this may or may not be a dormant mental gift) known to indulge in copious amounts of hurt/comfort. The noises this subspecies makes are distinctly different than any other, being that they are rarely if ever harsh or humorous. This subspecies also has a tendency to be injured due to extreme amounts of senseless compassion and temporary emotional insanity. Should avoid the PonnFarr!Spock unless it intends to molt into an Angst!McCoy. -Naughty'n'Uninhibited!McCoy- Though its favorite climate is the PWP, this being is quite insidious, invading even the most clean fanfiction writer's mind. This creature is most often found using its medical override to enter the Spock's quarters with the sole purpose of sex. This is usually accomplished by: declarations of love, careful seduction, or a full-body tackle (also known in scientific terms as the "glomp"). This McCoy is vocally the most accomplished, and its mating calls tend to be varied and inventive. However, due to this inhibition and near-constant mating, this McCoy is not as mentally polished as the Common McCoy's other subspecies, being that there is only enough blood in its brain to keep it from keeling over dead. The rest has flown invariably south, and now resides somewhere around the equator, where it's hot and sunny and a great deal like Vulcan (where the equator is headed, anyway).