The Spotter's Guide to the Common McCoy

THE SPOTTER'S GUIDE TO THE COMMON McCOY (as transcribed by Nemo the

--The McCoy (Medicus Emotionalis)

The McCoy is approximately five-foot-ten and can be identified by
wavy brown hair, striking blue eyes with accompanying bags
underneath, and a surprising agility. Its calls often sound
like "I'm a doctor, not a (fill in the blank)", "he's dead, Jim,",
and "Jesus God, you sure as hell better not stop that, Spock!" This
creature originated in the South-Eastern United States, more
specifically from the state of Georgia, and can now be numbered as a
hard-to-find, but very fascinating fanfiction being.

--Common Environments

The McCoy has unhappily adapted itself to existence in outer space.
This adaptation, though successful, has caused a distinct vocal
pattern to emerge in its behavior, notably loud grumbling and snide
remarks directed toward the Spock (though occasionally a Kirk or a
Scotty will also be on the receiving end of such vocalizations).
A life in space, however it has altered the McCoy, has allowed it to
spread across the universe, a phenomenon infinitely thrilling to all
true naturalists. Having said this, the most common locations to
discover this creature are in its Sickbay, the Spock's quarters (or,
in some naturalists' speculations, in the Kirk's quarters—
see "Audubon's Guide to the Mating habits of Starfleeters"), and on
strange worlds which often result in temporary damage to the McCoy.


The McCoy is most often distinguished by the Standard Starfleet
Haircut™, the distinctive eyes and bags previously mentioned, and
blue medic's uniform, often indistinguishable from blue pajamas and
black bell-bottoms. Said pants are usually found tucked into HIGHLY
uncomfortable boots, though whether this was a freak accident of
nature or some sort of mysterious natural instinct is unknown.
Further study of the McCoy's legs is required.

--Distinguishing features

It is often noted that several sub-species of the McCoy can be found
in locales containing high alcohol content, often causing impaired
judgment. This inevitably leads to the McCoy's immediate and
intense search for the nearest Spock.
It may also be noted that, due to an unsuccessful mating to a
former, and as yet unidentified partner, the McCoy is often a bit
hesitant when it comes to mating. Inducement is often needed. As
are pointed ears and a tendency to use words like "logical"
and "fascinating".


The most common predator of the McCoy is the Evil Alien Telepath
(Sophus Giganticus Nastycus). For reasons as yet undetermined by
science, these creatures are particularly drawn to the Common McCoy,
and will inevitably attack it should they see it. More
specifically, its natural enemies include EvilMirror!Spock
(Reflecticus Vulcanus Diabolicis), Salt Monsters (Mimicus HotChickus
ReallyUglyAssicus), and the occasional Paranoid Alien Population
(Rusticus Alienicus Idiocans). The McCoy may also be injured in
courtship rituals with the Spock, particularly the PonnFarr!Spock.

--Mating Habits

While the McCoy prefers to seek out a Spock, if one is unwilling or
unavailable, the McCoy may bait the Spock by seeking out various
Natiras, Kirks and Eleeans. Its goal is not to mate with these
species, but to draw the Spock into a courtship. Once this has been
established, the ritual bitching, arguing, and innuendoes will
ensue. If all goes well, these will soon change to much moaning,
labored breathing, and language inappropriate for such an academic


-Angst!McCoy (Medicus Emotionalis Dolores)- This creature is
characterized by tendencies to make its nest near a ready supply of
alcohol. It is often depressed and angry, mostly because the Spock
is not requiting its affection. This species, though unhappy and
full of pain, is rarely a danger to others, more often possessing
self-destructive tendencies. WARNING: Should you encounter the
Angst!McCoy, a willing Spock must be secured and presented at once,
or self-destruction will occur in thirty seconds.

-SnipyBitchy!McCoy- (Medicus Emotionalis Adversarius)- This creature
is marked by a near-constant growling. Although on first sight this
animal appears dangerous, one must be assured that its bark is worse
than its bite. Should a Spock approach a SnipyBitchy!McCoy,
growling will ensue from both parties, followed by furious mating
for at least twenty-four hours. It is highly unlikely, after such
an occurrence, that one or both of these creatures will emerge from
the encounter able to sit comfortably.

-SoDamnSweet!McCoy (Medicus Emotionalis Amicicus) This creature is
most often found near the Angst subspecies of the other Enterprise
creatures, being a very empathic being (this may or may not be a
dormant mental gift) known to indulge in copious amounts of
hurt/comfort. The noises this subspecies makes are distinctly
different than any other, being that they are rarely if ever harsh
or humorous. This subspecies also has a tendency to be injured due
to extreme amounts of senseless compassion and temporary emotional
insanity. Should avoid the PonnFarr!Spock unless it intends to molt
into an Angst!McCoy.

-Naughty'n'Uninhibited!McCoy- Though its favorite climate is the
PWP, this being is quite insidious, invading even the most clean
fanfiction writer's mind. This creature is most often found using
its medical override to enter the Spock's quarters with the sole
purpose of sex. This is usually accomplished by: declarations of
love, careful seduction, or a full-body tackle (also known in
scientific terms as the "glomp"). This McCoy is vocally the most
accomplished, and its mating calls tend to be varied and inventive.
However, due to this inhibition and near-constant mating, this McCoy
is not as mentally polished as the Common McCoy's other subspecies,
being that there is only enough blood in its brain to keep it from
keeling over dead. The rest has flown invariably south, and now
resides somewhere around the equator, where it's hot and sunny and a
great deal like Vulcan (where the equator is headed, anyway).