The Spotter's Guide to the Common Spock THE SPOTTER'S GUIDE TO THE COMMON SPOCK (as transcribed by Nemo the Everbeing) --The Spock (Vulcanis Logicans) The Spock is usually tall, with a well-groomed appearance, pointed ears, saturnine features, and a call that often sounds like "logical", "fascinating", "interesting", or "Doctor McCoy, I believe I wish to throw you down and fuck you senseless". This creature originated from the planet Vulcan, so expect a higher body temperature than most animals, as well as a certain exotic look and scent certain to draw any lurking McCoys out of hiding. This being has become a staple in all sectors of fanfiction, being one of its founders, but, due to deforestation (no relation to certain actors), its appearances in this area have become more and more infrequent. Now, only a small group of dedicated naturalists fight to keep this fascinating creature from extinction. --Common Environments The Spock can usually be found on the Enterprise, or more specifically on the bridge, or the McCoy's quarters (or the Kirk's, in some naturalists' opinions, though these claims are generally dismissed as unsupportable at best, and laughable insanity at worst, being that, if it were possible, a Kirk would only desire another Kirk). The Spock is also known to venture down to highly dangerous planets where it is often subjected to electrocution, poison, lacerations, or liberal doses of HornyPowder™. The Spock will then have to be relocated to the Sickbay where a McCoy (most often of either the SoDamnSweet! or the SnipyBitchy! subspecies) will patch the Spock up so they can have wild sex. --Appearance Aside from the general description given at the beginning, the Spock can most often be seen in a similar uniform to the McCoy's, though the Spock often has an additional tricorder constantly held in its hand. It is possible that, in a few millennia, the Spock will evolve so that the tricorder is a permanent fixture. --Distinguishing Features Though the Spock often refuses to display emotion (instances of mating with the McCoy or the PonnFarr! or the ReallyJustABigSoftie! Spock subspecies notwithstanding), the Spock has a strange tendency to arch its eyebrows at the rest of the Enterprise creatures. This event will often occur in conjunction with stupid or otherwise "illogical" behavior on these creatures' parts. It may be noted that the most common recipient of such gestures is the McCoy. Some naturalists argue that the arched eyebrow is actually a non- verbal cue for sex. This would, of course, mean that these two beings copulate more frequently than the common rabbit, or, an even more extreme case, the Common Kirk. Then again, many naturalists find this idea incredibly appealing. The Spock is also telepathic, and spends much of this energy flirting mentally with the McCoy so no one else finds out. --Predators Though the Spock is notably strong, it can be noted that it seems to draw large quantities of Evil Super Powered Aliens (Diabilicis Alienicus Omnipotens). It is speculated that these creatures recognize this being as a threat and attack, most often with lightning bolts, poisoned barbs, or telepathic assaults. Occasionally the Spock will also be attacked by Rabid Fangirls (Fangirlicus Horrificus), but instances of this have decreased over the years, due in large part to the Vulcan nerve pinch and many "accidentally" fired torpedoes. --Mating Habits The Spock seems to have two primary mating habits. The first and most common is standard mating: meet, argue, snipe, bitch, mate. The Spock may have various permutations of this process, depending largely on subspecies. The Angst!Spock or the ReallyJustABigSoftie! Spock commonly avoid the argue/snipe/bitch phase and are much more demonstrative and sentimental. However, one subspecies has an entirely different mating ritual: Ponn Farr. This is only experienced by PonnFarr!Spock (obviously). This mating only comes once in seven years (a big problem for all McCoys and fanfiction writers during those long gaps), and tends to involve shouting, throwing soup, violence (possibly the ritual sacrifice of an available Kirk), followed by violent sex (not with the sacrificed Kirk). McCoys should be warned that this experience is rarely pleasant and even more rarely is it comfortable. Mating is necessary and painful, but the McCoy will inevitably participate. There are several reasons for this: the Angst!McCoy is the most common participant (and this subspecies is known for its masochistic tendencies), and the McCoy will get a bonding out of the deal. This means that the McCoy and the Spock will be joined mentally, and will be able to give each other embarrassing erections whenever they please. --Sub-Species -Angst!Spock: (Vulcanis Logicans Dolores) This creature is marked by an expressionless pining. It will never show it, but this Spock is usually suffering from some sort of abuse (which happens shockingly often), or a misguided belief that its desired McCoy does not want to mate. This being is rare, as an Angst!Spock will rapidly either secure a willing McCoy or die. Therefore, the lifespan of an Angst!Spock is not promising, as in such climates, a willing McCoy only discovers the Spock's desire post-mortem. -EmotionlessComputer(NotReally)!Spock: This Spock refuses to show any sort of emotion, often leading to the birth of many Angst! McCoys. It is not that this Spock has no emotions, but it is either unable or unwilling to show them. This Spock lives a tragic and often extremely long life of missed chances and stupid decisions. Naturalists are advised to approach with tissues. -PonnFarr!Spock: This is by far the most volatile subspecies, and one must approach at their own risk. Females should beware of flying soup and males should beware of death. The PonnFarr!Spock will require a willing McCoy to survive, and, should they make it through the ordeal with all parts still attached, they will be a happily married alternative couple on Vulcan. This subspecies is also extremely rare (appearing only once in seven years) and molts quickly into another sub-species or dies trying. WARNING: A PonnFarr!Spock and a SnipyBitchy!McCoy should by no means be left in a room together unless the author is either a brilliant and angstful master of the craft, or is a complete nitwit. These species, unless handled with extreme caution, will kill one another. -ReallyJustABigSoftie!Spock: This Spock likes a schmoopy climate where it can demonstrate to everyone that it is, in fact, a thoroughly misunderstood being. This Spock often shows many emotions and desperately needs a SoDamnSweet!McCoy with which to talk. Unfortunately, the combination of these two beings, however necessary, often induces projectile vomiting on the part of a hardened naturalist. It is therefore recommended that only pre-teen naturalists observe these two beings in close proximity. Others should use ten-foot-poles when handling, due to possible sugar overdoses. -Witty'n'Willing!Spock: This Spock is easily the happiest of all the Spocks. While the other subspecies pine or kill their captains, this subspecies is most often engaged in witty vocalizations with a McCoy. These exchanges, though seemingly hostile in nature, are actually extremely pleasurable for both participants. This banter will usually lead to the den of one of the creatures, and mating will commence. This Spock gets a lot of sex. More even than the PonnFarr!Spock (since this one doesn't have to wait four years). It is likely that, if a Witty'n'Willing!Spock comes to live on an Enterprise, at the end of five years, there will be very few places on the entire ship where this being has NOT mated with its McCoy. A naturalist should remember this before sitting down anywhere on a ship with a Witty'n'Willing!Spock. Even the Kirk is in awe of this creature's stamina and inventiveness, and writers, well, writers are just glad of its existence.