The Spotter's Guide to the Common Spock

THE SPOTTER'S GUIDE TO THE COMMON SPOCK (as transcribed by Nemo the

--The Spock (Vulcanis Logicans)

The Spock is usually tall, with a well-groomed appearance, pointed
ears, saturnine features, and a call that often sounds
like "logical", "fascinating", "interesting", or "Doctor McCoy, I
believe I wish to throw you down and fuck you senseless". This
creature originated from the planet Vulcan, so expect a higher body
temperature than most animals, as well as a certain exotic look and
scent certain to draw any lurking McCoys out of hiding. This being
has become a staple in all sectors of fanfiction, being one of its
founders, but, due to deforestation (no relation to certain actors),
its appearances in this area have become more and more infrequent.
Now, only a small group of dedicated naturalists fight to keep this
fascinating creature from extinction.

--Common Environments

The Spock can usually be found on the Enterprise, or more
specifically on the bridge, or the McCoy's quarters (or the Kirk's,
in some naturalists' opinions, though these claims are generally
dismissed as unsupportable at best, and laughable insanity at worst,
being that, if it were possible, a Kirk would only desire another
Kirk). The Spock is also known to venture down to highly dangerous
planets where it is often subjected to electrocution, poison,
lacerations, or liberal doses of HornyPowder™. The Spock will then
have to be relocated to the Sickbay where a McCoy (most often of
either the SoDamnSweet! or the SnipyBitchy! subspecies) will patch
the Spock up so they can have wild sex.


Aside from the general description given at the beginning, the Spock
can most often be seen in a similar uniform to the McCoy's, though
the Spock often has an additional tricorder constantly held in its
hand. It is possible that, in a few millennia, the Spock will
evolve so that the tricorder is a permanent fixture.

--Distinguishing Features

Though the Spock often refuses to display emotion (instances of
mating with the McCoy or the PonnFarr! or the ReallyJustABigSoftie!
Spock subspecies notwithstanding), the Spock has a strange tendency
to arch its eyebrows at the rest of the Enterprise creatures. This
event will often occur in conjunction with stupid or
otherwise "illogical" behavior on these creatures' parts. It may be
noted that the most common recipient of such gestures is the McCoy.
Some naturalists argue that the arched eyebrow is actually a non-
verbal cue for sex. This would, of course, mean that these two
beings copulate more frequently than the common rabbit, or, an even
more extreme case, the Common Kirk. Then again, many naturalists
find this idea incredibly appealing.
The Spock is also telepathic, and spends much of this energy
flirting mentally with the McCoy so no one else finds out.


Though the Spock is notably strong, it can be noted that it seems to
draw large quantities of Evil Super Powered Aliens (Diabilicis
Alienicus Omnipotens). It is speculated that these creatures
recognize this being as a threat and attack, most often with
lightning bolts, poisoned barbs, or telepathic assaults.
Occasionally the Spock will also be attacked by Rabid Fangirls
(Fangirlicus Horrificus), but instances of this have decreased over
the years, due in large part to the Vulcan nerve pinch and
many "accidentally" fired torpedoes.

--Mating Habits

The Spock seems to have two primary mating habits. The first and
most common is standard mating: meet, argue, snipe, bitch, mate.
The Spock may have various permutations of this process, depending
largely on subspecies. The Angst!Spock or the ReallyJustABigSoftie!
Spock commonly avoid the argue/snipe/bitch phase and are much more
demonstrative and sentimental. However, one subspecies has an
entirely different mating ritual:
Ponn Farr. This is only experienced by PonnFarr!Spock (obviously).
This mating only comes once in seven years (a big problem for all
McCoys and fanfiction writers during those long gaps), and tends to
involve shouting, throwing soup, violence (possibly the ritual
sacrifice of an available Kirk), followed by violent sex (not with
the sacrificed Kirk). McCoys should be warned that this experience
is rarely pleasant and even more rarely is it comfortable. Mating
is necessary and painful, but the McCoy will inevitably
participate. There are several reasons for this: the Angst!McCoy is
the most common participant (and this subspecies is known for its
masochistic tendencies), and the McCoy will get a bonding out of the
deal. This means that the McCoy and the Spock will be joined
mentally, and will be able to give each other embarrassing erections
whenever they please.


-Angst!Spock: (Vulcanis Logicans Dolores) This creature is marked
by an expressionless pining. It will never show it, but this Spock
is usually suffering from some sort of abuse (which happens
shockingly often), or a misguided belief that its desired McCoy does
not want to mate. This being is rare, as an Angst!Spock will
rapidly either secure a willing McCoy or die. Therefore, the
lifespan of an Angst!Spock is not promising, as in such climates, a
willing McCoy only discovers the Spock's desire post-mortem.

-EmotionlessComputer(NotReally)!Spock: This Spock refuses to show
any sort of emotion, often leading to the birth of many Angst!
McCoys. It is not that this Spock has no emotions, but it is either
unable or unwilling to show them. This Spock lives a tragic and
often extremely long life of missed chances and stupid decisions.
Naturalists are advised to approach with tissues.

-PonnFarr!Spock: This is by far the most volatile subspecies, and
one must approach at their own risk. Females should beware of
flying soup and males should beware of death. The PonnFarr!Spock
will require a willing McCoy to survive, and, should they make it
through the ordeal with all parts still attached, they will be a
happily married alternative couple on Vulcan. This subspecies is
also extremely rare (appearing only once in seven years) and molts
quickly into another sub-species or dies trying.
WARNING: A PonnFarr!Spock and a SnipyBitchy!McCoy should by no means
be left in a room together unless the author is either a brilliant
and angstful master of the craft, or is a complete nitwit. These
species, unless handled with extreme caution, will kill one another.

-ReallyJustABigSoftie!Spock: This Spock likes a schmoopy climate
where it can demonstrate to everyone that it is, in fact, a
thoroughly misunderstood being. This Spock often shows many
emotions and desperately needs a SoDamnSweet!McCoy with which to
talk. Unfortunately, the combination of these two beings, however
necessary, often induces projectile vomiting on the part of a
hardened naturalist. It is therefore recommended that only pre-teen
naturalists observe these two beings in close proximity. Others
should use ten-foot-poles when handling, due to possible sugar

-Witty'n'Willing!Spock: This Spock is easily the happiest of all the
Spocks. While the other subspecies pine or kill their captains,
this subspecies is most often engaged in witty vocalizations with a
McCoy. These exchanges, though seemingly hostile in nature, are
actually extremely pleasurable for both participants. This banter
will usually lead to the den of one of the creatures, and mating
will commence. This Spock gets a lot of sex. More even than the
PonnFarr!Spock (since this one doesn't have to wait four years). It
is likely that, if a Witty'n'Willing!Spock comes to live on an
Enterprise, at the end of five years, there will be very few places
on the entire ship where this being has NOT mated with its McCoy. A
naturalist should remember this before sitting down anywhere on a
ship with a Witty'n'Willing!Spock. Even the Kirk is in awe of this
creature's stamina and inventiveness, and writers, well, writers are
just glad of its existence.