Doctor Knows Best

Doctor Knows Best

Disclaimer: I own nothing, and thanks to a new furnace, owe even
Summary: Our favorite doctor is trying to figure out the course of
his life after V'ger.
Rating: R for language.
Feedback is always welcome.
Warning: Please don't jump to conclusions before you read the whole
thing. This may stretch the den rules. (Sorry, list mom! If it
stretches or bends the rules too much I'll buy a case of your
favorite ale for the bar.) This isn't McCoy wanting Kirk and settling
for Spock; if anything it's McCoy acknowledging that he'd considered
settling for Kirk. Not beta'd, so all errors are mine.

Personal Log: Commander Leonard McCoy, M.D.

I could have loved either of them. Hell, I do love them.

I guess I mean to say that I could have given that love to either of
them. Maybe even both of them.

Jim. Well, with Jim it would be temporary. Jim's never had a long-
term relationship, and he's not going to. I don't mean to sound
negative. It's not that he's not worth the effort, 'cuz he is. And
it's not that he wouldn't give it his all, 'cuz he would. It's just
that Jim's only gonna give his heart to that which will never fail
him--and there isn't anyone who won't fail him at some point. Human,
Vulcan, any species. We're all flawed. And everyone that Jim has
ever loved has left him, or he's had to leave them. So he's looking
for that perfect love. He's not gonna find it. He knows it; so he
expects it never to last.

Textbook self-fulfilling prophecy. Course puttin' a label on it
doesn't make it any easier. And you can't try to change it, 'cuz
that would be changing Jim. And if you change him, then it won't be
the same.

The closest he's ever come to a long-term relationship is with this
sleek, silver lady of his. And ultimately, he walked away from her.
Now he wants her back. But she is a lady, and while she may forgive,
she won't forget. Neither will he. And his flaws will cause him to
leave her again. One way or another.

He never thinks he's good enough. So he always tries harder. Tries
to advance. Tries to be better. I hope there is something, if not
someone, out there to make him happy. At least for a little while.

I'd like to think that my love would have grounded him, inside I
mean, not literally. Given him a refuge. But that's not the kind of
love and passion that's gonna keep Jim Kirk. Jim doesn't want to be
grounded, doesn't want to be centered. Jim wants to run free. I
love him, but I'm tired of running.

As for Spock, well since I'm being honest here, he's the great love
of my life. He is my passion. I was born to be a doctor. Only
thing I ever thought of being. Might as well be a "doctor gene" 'cuz
I've got it just as surely as I have the make-up to have blue eyes
and brown hair. I can and do love Jim, but I have to love Spock. I
can't help myself, and Lord knows I've tried. There is just
something in me that needs him as my lungs need air. Something I
respond to, something I can't help. It's who I am.

I thought I had been "in" love, but now I know I was wrong. Those
other times were imitation, a faint imitation. Spock I could love
forever. I fear I will. I had managed to tuck my feelings way back
inside my head and heart, but they were always there. I'd like to
think that my love for Spock would set him free. I love him for
everything he is, and all that he is not. With me he doesn't have to
be Vulcan or Human or Starfleet. With me he's not Sarek's, not
Amanda's, not even Vulcan's. He just is. That's all I've ever
really wanted for him, for him to figure out who he is, what he wants
to be, not what he thinks he is or should be.

But he had a picture of himself, and I have no doubt that he didn't
see me in that picture. He was just never comfortable with the idea
of how well I actually read him. He let Jim know him, made a
conscious effort all along to be friends as well as colleagues with
Jim. But Spock and me? I took one look at him and saw right through
him. And he knew it, too. Only thing a Vulcan likes less than being
emotional is being transparent. Took him awhile to figure out that I
wasn't gonna reveal what I saw, was keeping what I knew in my heart
about him to myself. I'm pretty sure I've earned his trust if
nothing else, and that's saying something.

After Gol and after V'ger, that picture Spock had of himself seems to
be changing. But he still doesn't see me in it. Maybe he'll find
peace one day. I'd be happy with that--if he found peace and
contentment instead of just resignation. That Kaiidth philosophy
isn't all it's cracked up to be, if you ask me.

Like a lot of folks, I've wondered about Jim and Spock from time to
time. To tell the truth, I wouldn't mind so much if they would get
together. At least that way, I'd know I'd never be more to them than
I am, and I probably would be a hell of a lot less. That might be
easier in the long run.

But I know why it will never be. Jim will never love Spock more than
he does because Jim couldn't live with the reality of it, and Spock
will never love Jim more than he does because he could never live
with the fantasy of it.

I don't know if I'm explaining this well or not. Ya have to know the
two of them the way I do, see the way they are together, to
understand. Jim wants a long leash and needs a tight rein. Spock
needs a long rein and is on a tight leash.

As for me, well I have to decide if I can stick around a watch the
two of them. I'd made a new life for myself before being reinstated.
I could go back to that. It wasn't complete, but it was okay. Or I
could start over again. There is something to be said for that, too.
I don't really relish the idea, but then again I've been exploring
space long enough to know that you never know what you're gonna
find. Or maybe I will just go open that small practice in some
backwater. Been threatening that for years, maybe I should up and do
it. Invest in a great big leather desk chair.

I could love Jim, I do love Spock. I try to be a friend to both.
I'm not sure what Jim meant when he said he needed me when I came
aboard. Did he just need a CMO he could trust? Did he want someone
who would check him or support him the way Spock did? Well, Chris
proved herself; so if he keeps the ship he's got his CMO. And Spock
surprised everyone by appearing. It doesn't look like he's going
back, so Jim is okay there, too.

I told Jim I'd let him know whether or not I would stay in or if I
wanted back out by the time we reach space dock. Do I want to try to
find what we had? Do I want to see what we might have? Or Do I want
to walk away again? I stayed with Natira during that whole Xeno
incident not because I loved her, but because she loved me. That
wasn't so bad. I left her for a lot of reasons, but the only real
one is that I kept hoping Spock and I might make a go of it. That
didn't happen. Isn't going to. Maybe I can find someone else like
Natira, someone who loves me even if I don't love her quite the same
way. That wouldn't be so bad. I could make that work. I think. At
least I could try. There's a lot to be said for passion, no doubt
about it. But there's even more to be said for comfort and

I don't remember who it was who said 'it is better to have loved and
lost than never to have loved at all,' but frankly I'd like to know
what he'd have to say about loving and never having than not loving
at all. Some days I think not loving at all is the better choice.
My granny always said you never miss what you never had. She was
wrong, too.

My other granny was found of saying, "Go for it, boy." Wonder what
she'd say to my jumping Spock after dinner some evening? Hell, that
might be worth embarrassing myself for just to see if I could get a
reaction out of him. "Excuse me, Spock, but could I have a few
minutes of your time in private, please. I'd like to suck you off."
Course, with Spock I'd probably have better luck of I asked to
perform fellatio. I wonder how that whole Gol experience effects his
cycle? I don't think you can ignore biology, but he might try. Then
again, maybe there's logic in not ignoring your biology and
sexuality. Now there's a question: "hey Spock, I know you're
ambidextrous, but do you have a palm preference?" Despite his logic
and emotional, control, Spock's a pretty verbal guy. Wonder what
would happen if I talked dirty to him? Oh yeah. I'll just walk up
behind him at dinner. Lean over and whisper in one of his ears, "I
want to lick this pudding off your ass."

Okay, enough of that. I need to think seriously about what I want to
do. We reach space dock in 4 days. I'll need . . .pause
recording . . .

Leonard flipped the blinking comm. switch. "McCoy here."

"Spock here, Doctor."

"What's up, Spock?"

"I wondered if you would care to join me for dinner? I have read
your recommendations regarding the design of Sickbay and would like
to discuss them with you. I agree with your concerns and believe I
might be able to enhance your suggestions."

"Sure, Spock. I hadn't planned to have a working dinner tonight, but
I'd be interested in your thoughts."

"Very well, I will meet you in the dining hall at 19:00. I
understand the chef has a new recipe we may wish to try."

"Yeah, what's that?"

"Bajoran butterscotch pudding. Spock out."

Leonard looked up at the grayish ceiling tiles. "Granny, are you
trying to tell me something?"

The end.