Title: Drunken Sailor
Summary: Kirk, McCoy, and Scotty go on shore leave, there's trouble and then
it's Spock to the rescue.
Disclaimer: I don't own TOS. I never have, and I never will. Star Trek and
all of its relations are property of Paramount and Viacom. I only own this
story. No posting to any site or list without author permission. This is really
intended as humor, not to be taken offensively. If somebody is blatantly
homosexuality, then please, just go watch a nice movie like Cinderella.
May 25, 2003
Captain Kirk, Doctor McCoy, and Commander Scott stood in front of the
transporter room. They dressed themselves in their off-duty uniforms, and they
anticipated the latest bout of shore leave they had managed to receive from
Quarters. They had been less excited three hours ago, when the lesser ranking
officers had beamed down, but the knowledge that it was their turn had caught
up with them, and there was no wiping the grins from their very human faces.
Not everybody was as thrilled with this as they were, and that person was
Commander Spock, who stood before them, there to operate the transporter. The
Vulcan did not believe in taking shore leave unless it was absolutely
Thus, he had volunteered to stay aboard and keep watch while the rest of the
crew beamed down to enjoy themselves.
It was not as though he was averse to company; it was simply that the
activities known on that planet were not for him. The planet, to his knowledge,
thirteen casinos, sixty-eight pubs, and twenty-five houses of pleasure. The
Vulcan needed none of that and this was why he stayed.
Captain Kirk turned to look at the Vulcan, "Keep an eye on her, Spock, we'll
be back sometime tomorrow afternoon. I expect no trouble from you."
Spock raised his eyebrow, "Captain, trouble from me should be the least of
McCoy and Scotty chuckled, McCoy answering with an "I don't know about that"
and a wink, while Scotty piped in with an agreeing "Aye."
Spock said nothing, and returned his attention to Captain Kirk, "I will
finish the diagnostics whilst you are on the planet."
Kirk nodded, "Understood, Spock, although I still think you should come down
with us; you might enjoy it."
"I think not, Captain. Enjoy yourselves on your leave."
Kirk nodded and looked to his other friends. The three of them climbed aboard
the transporter. "Beam us down, Mister Spock," came the Captain's order.
Spock's fingers traveled over the controls, and just as the humans began to
shimmer, he heard the Doctor say, "Don't worry, I'll get you a souvenir at Le
magasin de plaisir." They were gone before the Vulcan could respond.
On the planet, the shore leave started out relatively nicely. The three
officers went to a restaurant, and had a nice dinner with real meat. Then they
went to a show wherein Scott had the time of his life and Kirk got two
communicator numbers. As they were leaving, Scott turned to McCoy, "What's the
matter, Len? Didn't you have fun?"
McCoy smiled, "Sure did, one of the ladies even told me where I can get a
male version of that leather costume for Mister Pointy Ears back on the ship."
Kirk laughed, "The only thing that'll raise is his eyebrow, Bones."
McCoy shrugged. "It's worth the try, isn't it?" Then he pointed at a bar
across the street, "That looks like a nice addition to the evening. Shall we
The other two officers nodded in agreement. They crossed the street and
the doors swung open, revealing a large crew of men, of all races. They
approached the bar to put in their orders. A nice evening of drinking was ahead
them; the night was still young.
It was at 0218 hours that the Enterprise received a hail from the planet.
Spock looked up from the padd of the latest technological developments of the
Rigellian sector to answer it. Putting it on screen, the tired face of one of
the planet workers met his. "Commander Spock, First Officer of the Enterprise
The tired man pinched the bridge of his nose instead of greeting. Simply
he asked, "You're in charge of the Starship crew that pulled in here?"
Spock nodded, "While the Captain is on leave, I am. How can I be of
"We were forced to arrest three of your crew early this morning. They had
been in one of the local pubs, "The Floating Tonic" and it seems a fight
broke out. I think somebody might have insulted one of them, because that's
the first punch was thrown. It turned into a huge brawl; everybody inside was
taken into custody. Some of the injuries are pretty bad, but your crew looked
pretty good; they must have fought very well. That's how I knew they were
Starfleet before I checked. Anyway there's some thousand credits worth of
the pub, and I can't let them out unless their Commander picks them up. I
need to warn you; they're pretty soused. Do you want to leave them overnight?"
The Vulcan considered this for a moment. On the one hand, they were
harmless in jail and keeping them overnight may teach them to not start fights.
the other hand, it was a foreign establishment and confinement to quarters
would be the Starfleet punishment. Without the irritation a human would
he said, "I will beam down to take them back to the ship. They will be
punished and when the Captain comes back from leave, I am certain they will
The man nodded, "I'll see you in ten minutes." Then the comm. channel was
Spock put down his padd and grabbed four automatic transportation
patches, placing one on his chest. The other three would be automatically
when he beamed up. He beamed himself down to the planet.
The walk was quick to the Sheriff's office, and Spock entered. He showed
his Starfleet Identification badge to the guard who led him to the Sheriff. He
nodded, and the man picked up his keys and led the Vulcan to the back where
the cells were located.
As they walked, the Vulcan's acute hearing detected what sounded like a
Scottish man, obviously inebriated, saying to somebody "Lads, ready for a
song?" followed by several affirmative answers. When they were closer, the song
began and then the sheriff too heard the sound of three drunken voices
to sing in mock harmony "What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do
with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the
The voices were unmistakable to the Vulcan, and when they arrived at the
cell, his suspicions were confirmed. Inside the cell were Kirk, McCoy, and
Scotty, all very drunk. Kirk was laying down on a cot, his eyes closed while he
sang, McCoy sitting up against the wall, a lopsided inebriated grin on his
features, and Scott stood and paced, seemingly conducting.
The sheriff asked, "Are these your men?"
Spock, almost in disbelief, nodded in the affirmative.
The sheriff handed him a padd. "Sign here, please." Wordlessly, the
Vulcan signed his name. Then the sheriff undid the force field around the cell
directed his voice at the three no longer prisoners. "Your commander just met
your bail. You're free to go. Get some coffee for God's sake. And stop
singing." Then the sheriff turned on his heels and went back to his desk.
McCoy smiled and climbed off the floor, not completely successfully as he
made a grab for Scott to get his balance and only succeeded in pulling the
Scotsman down with him.
Spock suppressed a sigh as he went to help the Doctor and now the
Engineer to his feet. "Gentlemen, we are going back to the ship and you are
back to your quarters." The Vulcan then placed a patch on both McCoy and Scott.
Then he crossed over to Kirk and helped him to his feet, placing a patch on his
shirt as well, before exiting the cell.
Kirk got over to the others and wrapped his arm around Scotty and McCoy's
shoulders as they followed behind Spock, as the Vulcan led the way out. The
drunken men just continued singing. "Shave his chest with a rusty razor. Shave
his chest with a rusty razor. Shave his chest with a rusty razor, early in the
Spock simply tapped his patch and dematerialized, the three humans
shimmering behind him.
When they were back on the ship, the Vulcan led the Engineer to his
quarters, while the other two humans hung onto him singing "Tie him in a knot
the highest yardarm."
Making certain the engineer was safe, he led to Kirk to his quarters,
while the two other humans stumbled, their voices refusing to be silenced, "Put
him in the brig until he's sober." Spock made certain Kirk was able to function
and then led the still inebriated McCoy to his own quarters.
He helped the Doctor out of his uniform and into the shower, and then all
but carried him into the bed, tucking him in. As he reached to turn out the
light, he heard the Doctor softly and provocatively drawl "Put him in the bed
with the Vulcan First Mate. Put him in the bed with the Vulcan First Mate. Put
him in the bed with the Vulcan First Mate, early in the morning."