I Know

Author: kira-nerys

Title: I Know. Vignette.

Rating: PG

Codes, S, Mc, K

Summary: Spock's thoughts when he finds out that McCoy is dying. Set during the episode "For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky..."

Disclaimer: They belong to Paramount. I make no money out of this and do not intend to infringe upon copyrights.


Feedback: kardasi@kardasi.com



I can barely hold myself together. Nothing has ever affected me so. My heart seems to speed up as if I have been overexerting myself. I close my eyes briefly. Jim is standing beside me, so calm and solemn, and I cannot utter a word. I strive to keep my face impassive, and I am quite sure Jim cannot yet see the turmoil caused inside me at his words. But how long can I keep this facade when the world is shattering around me?

Jim looks at me and then turns toward Leonard, with warmth in his eyes.

"Spock knows," he says gently.

Indeed, I know.

Illogically, I wish I did not.

Somehow Jim's words make the truth seem even more tangible and real, and I reach out and meet Leonard's gaze. He looks surprised at the compassion I know is shining from my eyes. We seldom show the affection I know is there between us. But does he really know how I value his friendship, his presence in my life?

My hand on Leonard's shoulder clutches at him desperately as if by sheer force of touch I can give him some of my own strength and perfect health. I fear that in this moment they, who know me so well, can read the truth on my face. It does not matter. The disease eating away at this man feels like an enemy I cannot battle against.

I have never told him. Even Vulcans act illogically from time to time. I have always assumed there would be another day, another chance. I never expected him to ... I never...


He is dying.


He looks at me with calmness in his eyes. He has accepted the truth I cannot even begin to comprehend. I realize my hand is still on his shoulder. The warmth, the *life* in his body is what I need to feel to calm myself.

There is no cure for what ails him.

There is no cure.

Reluctantly, I pull my hand away, although I do not wish to. I carefully school my features. Again I am the calm Vulcan they know, but I let my shields drop for a moment and I see comprehension in Leonard's eyes.

It does not matter.