Title: No Hearts and Flowers or How the K‚€™Rinch Stole Valentine‚€™s Day
Pairing: Spock/McCoy, Uhura/Sulu (Chekov implied)
Summary: The mail doesn't always go through.
Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own Star Trek. No infringement intended, no money being made.
Acknowledgment: Thank you
to Janet for the beta.
Author's Note: Response to Eleventh Wave Challenge: Write an Anti-Valentine‚€™s
story. Criticism is not welcome, but will be tolerated.
Archive: The Spock/McCoyote's Den
NO HEARTS AND FLOWERS
How the K‚€™rinch stole Valentine's Day
Episode: TOS 027 - Errand of Mercy
Planet: Organia. On first appearance, a simple agrarian humanoid race that had no significant advancements for over 10,000
years. On Stardate 3198.4, the true nature of the Organians revealed an extremely advanced civilizations of non-corporeal
beings, having developed beyond their physical bodies a millennia ago, and who merely created the physical appearance of a
simplistic culture for the benefit of the corporeal life-forms that visit. The Organians are responsible for the Organian
Peace Treaty in 2267, which is responsible for peace between the Federation and the Klingon Empire until the two allied many
The U. S. S. Cornucopia was making her slow steady way from Rimeman Prime to her meeting point with the U. S. S. Enterprise.
Although she had no crew, she was able to take care of herself for the most part. Along with the supplies in her hold, she
had received updates on Klingon potions in the region and had been given new evasive programs. Besides, no one ever sent sensitive
material onboard an L-class supply ship.
Commander Spock was working in the Science lab when he heard the Klingons were blockading the Rimeman system. There was
little else they could do with the Organian "Peace" in force and as this has nothing to do with cellular growth of Digillian
plat worms, he filed it way for further use and did not consider any immediate implications.
It was 1555 hours ship‚€™s time when the distress call reached the Enterprise. Lt. Uhura did her best to
catch all of it. She alerted Chekov who was at the Science station and then said aloud.
"Captain, we are receiving a distress call from the U. S. S. Cornucopia. She is under attack from a Klingon bird of prey."
"The Cornucopia, Mr. Chekov?"
"The Cornucopia is an automated supply ship, sir. We are‚€¶" He was interrupted by his display. "We were scheduled
to rendezvous with her in five standard days."
Sulu slammed his fist into the side of his console. The first watch engineer groaned softly and focused on his read-outs.
"I‚€™m sorry that we lost a vessel to the Klicks, but no lives were lost. It is worth noting that they were
able to fire on an unmanned vessel, don‚€™t you agree, Mr. Chekov?" asked Kirk
"Yes, Sir. It merits further study."
"Lieutenant Uhura, what am I missing?
"The Cornucopia wasn‚€™t only a supply ship; she was also our mail boat."
Kirk had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Mail boat, nothing was more vital to the morale of a ship than
letters and packages from home. Especially now, two weeks before Valentine‚€™s Day. All those love letters and
care packages were lost. No, not lost, destroyed or plundered by the Klingons.
The lift door opened and the second shift came in to be briefed. Subdued murmurs brought everyone up to date. Before
Kirk turned the con over to Spock. He ordered the helm to lay in a course for the Cornucopia‚€™s last known position
at best speed. The flora and fauna of Digiia would have to wait.
At 1615 hours, Recreation Room One was full. First shift personnel coming off duty stopped there to unwind and grab bite.
Third shifters were there too, they had eight hours before they had to be on duty and no one said they had to be tucked up
in bed. The room was buzzing with rumors about the ol‚€™ Corny. They all looked up as Lt. Sulu entered.
He said in a loud and disgusted voice. "The Klingons have killed Cupid." Sure now that he had the whole room‚€™s
attention, he continued. "A Klingon bird of prey attacked the supply ship we were supposed to meet up with, no fresh food,
no replacement parts, no letters, no package, NO VALENTINES!"
A loud groan rose from the crowd in the recreation room. - No valentines.
"Space seems awful cold and empty without love." Ensign Lawless quipped and began ducking bread rolls.
And yet it was true, the Federation had amalgamated most Star Fleet holidays, but you couldn‚€™t stop a human
crew from unofficially celebrating Valentines Day - sometimes more than once a year.
Riley picked up a saltshaker and pretended to be a Newsie, " So sailor, what were you expecting?"
Lawless answered first: "A long, steamy letter from Jan on SS 19"
DeSoto replied: "Wine, my brother was sending me a bottle to share with mon cherie"
Rodriguez was next, "A care package from home, my mother makes the best pan de dulce."
Around the room he went, some declined to answer; most answers drew a nod or a sigh from the crowd.
He turned the "mike" on himself: "How about you, handsome? Oh, fifty or so valentines from young ladies of excellent
"And poor judgment!" DeSoto interjected. He took control of the interview, "Sulu, what were you expecting?
"Ashidoro was sending me some botanical journals and her latest drawings." He hadn‚€™t noticed that Uhura
had walked in behind him. She cleared her throat and sat down far away from him. *Oh, shit, I‚€™m gonna be punished
and not gonna enjoy it.* "Anyone else?" He squeaked.
Chekov spoke up, "My babushka always sends me poppy seed cakes and a package of tea." He blushed a little.
Riley ribbed him. "Babushka, huh? Sounds hot."
"Now we know what makes you tick, Kevin." Uhura chimed in. *No one‚€™s going to embarrass my Pavel.* "Babushka
is Russian for grandmother. Tell me Riley, those ladies of yours are they all blind or are some of them just senile?"
Meanwhile in the senior officer‚€™s mess: Kirk was discussing the issue with Spock, Dr. McCoy and Lt. Comdr..
"What real harm did this attack do, gentlemen?" Kirk asked his senior staff.
Scotty spoke first "Nay, too badly, sir. Spare parts and the latest inducer calibrators, but we can get by until we get
to the nearest star base. However, Annie McRally my second, she is getting married in June. I‚€™m sure her intended
had sent some wee thing along."
Kirk nodded. "Mr. Spock?"
Spock glanced down at his PADD and began "Sciences and the support staff will, also, be short on spares. Chief Yeoman
White asked that we (said in a way that meant everyone but Spock) should ‚€˜take it easy‚€™ on the
remaining styluses and PADDs. This a partial list of requirements. I can have a comprehensive list by 0800."
"Thank you, Mr. Spock. No personnel problems?
"Not that I‚€™m aware of. I shall ask Ms. Uhura. The crew seems to open up to her more readily." He made
The Captain turned to his CMO. "Bones, more of the same?"
"Yes, and no. Hardware and meds, barring a major emergency, we‚€™ll be fine. However, I was expecting the
Mark VIII neural regenerators" Only Spock seemed to understand the problem. "Technology like that is a two-edged sword. I
hate to think of what the Klingons could do with those regenerators. Ceaseless torture or refining their mind sifters."
Kirk shuddered slightly, and then he lit the old Jim-boy smile. "And personal supplies, you will have to go without.
Any Georgia peaches sending you their warmest regards?"
"Well, now that you mention it, "McCoy drawled, "I was expecting some fine peach brandy to warm my cockles. However,
Med Tech Murphy is about ready to get out and push the ship. He is expecting a boudoir picture from his wife and he can‚€™t
stand the thought of the Klingons getting their hands on it."
"What is a boudoir picture?" Spock asked with a sardonic lift of his eyebrow.
"A portrait of the object of your affection, wearing sexy lingerie and a ‚€˜come hither‚€™ smile
- usually posed on a bed. That makes it a boudoir picture. Not that you need any stimulus of that nature." Leonard was at
his grouchy, gravelly best.
"Indeed, and I am eternally grateful." Spock replied coolly.
"Okay, okay. That‚€™s all for now, gentlemen." Kirk stood and the other did as well. "I have a date with
the Klingons and I‚€™d hate Mr. Murphy to get there first."
In the turbo-lift, Kirk asked Spock if he had been expecting any personal deliveries.
"Yes, I was expecting for saa‚€™sha candles to aid in meditation; however it is illogical to ‚€˜cry
over spilt milk‚€™ as Dr. McCoy would put it." Spock answered. *Ah, but I was also expecting a large quantity
of spice sand. Lenka and I were planning to engage in sensuous massage & neuro-pressure techniques.* "And you, Captain?"
"A robe. I lent mine to a guest during a yellow alert, and she didn‚€™t return it." Kirk shrugged.
"Coming up on the Cornucopia, last known position, now, Captain." Mr. Sulu announced.
The bird of prey could be seen hovering over the remains of the supply ship. It held her in its tractor beam, while transporter
beams picked her carcass clean.
"Like a vulture" remarked Chekov
"Most birds of prey are carrion eaters, Ensign Chekov." Spock informed him.
"Sir, the Klingon are hailing us." Lt. Uhura informed the captain.
Kirk replied: "Put them through, Lieutenant".
The bridge of a bird of prey came onto the main viewing screen. Dimly lit and cramped it reeked menace, you could almost
smell it. The ship‚€™s commander stood facing his screen.
K‚€™rinch crowed. "Finally, the cowardly lackeys of the Federation come creeping to see what has become of
their precious luxuries. Bah! You humans are so soft. Greetings from home, food and drink and candy. Candy for grown men.
Ha ha ha ha." He held up a package. "This is addressed to Commander Leonard McCoy - cinnamon hearts. They do not even look
like hearts. Warriors have no need such things" He poured a mound of the little candies into his hand and popped them into
his mouth with a slimly smile.
"No, don‚€™t Klingon physiology isn‚€™t the same as human." McCoy said quietly.
"AAAAAAuuuuugggghhhh, it burns!" K‚€™rinch grasped his throat. "Water, by the blood of Kahless, bring me
McCoy glanced across the bridge at Spock and smiled slightly. Spock standing at his usual parade rest, rocked forward
slightly more than usual on the balls of his feet.
Spock attempted to speak to the agonized Klingon commander. "I do not advise water, as it will only increase the burning
sensation. You should digest a dairy product as soon as possible."
It is doubtful that K‚€™rinch heard him or if he did he did not give credence to Commander Spock‚€™s
advice. He downed a beaker of water and fell screaming to the deck.
Another Klingon came on the screen. "I am Gorver, second in command to the noble K‚€™rinch. You, with your
human treachery, have poisoned him. Chemical warfare is forbidden under the term of the peace treaty. The Organians and the
high council shall hear of your insidious actions." The screen snapped blank for an instant and then showed the Klingons warping
The bridge of the Enterprise shook with suppressed laughter. Kirk turned to look at McCoy.
"Cinnamon hearts, Bones?
"I'm the last of the red hot lovers." McCoy replied.
[Cue theme music and roll credits.]