Ride 'em, Big Boy

Title: Ride 'em, Big Boy
Author: Jazz Man
Rating: PG
Summary: I can't explain it. Not to be taken in the least bit
seriously. Written under the influence of too much sugar.

Warning: Features some TNG characters. Not quite a cross-over, more
of a big mix up.

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone.

Ride 'em, Big Boy
Jazz Man

"I hope this won't take long, Sheriff," drawled Doctor McCoy as he
walked through to the jail cells. "I have a date with Lwaxana

Sheriff Worf cocked his head. "Lwaxana Troi?"

McCoy looked at him. "How many Lwaxanas do you know?"

He raised his eyebrows. "I suppose you are right."

McCoy grinned. "Of course I am. That's why I got to be the
doctor, see, and why you got to be the sheriff."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Worf, taking a
menacing step forward.

McCoy took a step back. "Uh, uh . . . that you're big and
strong." He smiled, hoping that his teeth weren't about to be
smashed in.

Worf puffed his chest out. "Of course. What else could it

McCoy grumbled something under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Uh, I asked why you called me here."

Worf led McCoy to the last cell and pointed at the two men
inside. "These two got in a fight. I need you to patch them up.
It doesn't look good when there's beat up people in the jail."

"Not with your reputation, no," said McCoy, walking into the
cell. He looked down at the men. "Who are they?"

"Rode into town last night. No one seems to know them."


"What does that mean?"

"Hmm?" asked McCoy. "Oh, that. It doesn't mean anything.
All doctors say it; it's what they teach at medical school."

"Hmm," said Worf with a smile. "Does that make me a doctor?"

McCoy patted him on the arm. "There's a bit more to it than

At that point, one of the men woke up. He groaned.

McCoy knelt down next to the big bearded man. "Easy, boy,
easy. That's it, lean against the wall."

The man leant back against the wall. "What happened?" he

"You had a run in with Kirk and Picard," said Worf.

"Who are they?"

"Deanna's guard dogs," said McCoy.

"Oh. She's still bitter about that Imzadi thing then."

"Imzadi thing?" asked Worf, eyes narrowing.

"Uh, I'd rather not explain."

Worf scowled. "Who are you?"

The man tried a grin. "Will Riker. My buddy's Spock cha

"That is an odd name."

McCoy looked up a Worf. "Like Worf's a real normal name."
He turned to Riker. "I'm Doctor McCoy. This here's Sheriff Worf."

"Sheriff Worf?" Riker grinned again as he looked Worf up
and down. "I've always liked men with titles."

Worf scowled again.

McCoy ignored them both and went over to the other
man. "Hmm," he said.

"What does that mean?" asked Riker.

"It doesn't mean anything," said Worf.

"Ooh. Brains, too."

"Actually, Worf, it does mean something this time."


"Look here," he said, pointing down at the man. "Pointed
ears, greenish skin, and the green blood of course."

"This man is an alien!"

McCoy stared at Worf, or more specifically at his forehead.

Worf blushed. "I told you before. It was an accident with
a washboard at Mama Guinan's."

"Whatever." He bent over to take the alien man's
pulse. "Hey, that's not right."

Riker had managed to pull himself over to Worf and
McCoy. "Don't worry about Spock. He's always been strange."

"But his pulse is way above normal and he's still

"It's some kind of trance thing. Hit him and he'll come out
of it."

"Really?" asked Worf with a certain amount of glee.

"Sure." Riker grinned. "Go ahead."

Worf flexed his muscles, but before he could do anything,
Spock coughed.

"Hey, he's waking up," said McCoy.

Worf pouted. "It's not fair."

"I'll make it up to you, big boy," said Riker.

Worf shuddered. "You are hereby released," he
said. "They're all yours, Doctor."

"No way. I've got a date, remember, with Lwaxana."

"Lwaxana Troi?"

"How many Lwaxanas do you know?"

"I suppose you're right."

McCoy nodded. "That's why I got to be the doctor, see, and
you got to be the mysterious stranger."

"I believe I am the mysterious stranger. Mr Riker is
my 'sidekick'."

McCoy turned to Spock. "So you're where all the action is?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "You could say that."

McCoy grinned. "Come on, let's go over to Deanna's. You
boys can apologise and we can all have a drink."


Deanna's Bar and Grill was quiet when the three men entered.

McCoy walked up to the bar and banged on it. "Hey, Deanna,
get your pretty little -"

"What can I get you, Doc?" asked Deanna as she appeared from
the back room.

"Whiskey. Three."

"I don't want to have to call the sheriff out again, Doc."

McCoy grinned. "They're not all for me, Dee."

She frowned, and then caught sight of the two behind
McCoy. "Jim, Jean-Luc, get out here now."

Kirk and Picard came out from the back room. When they
caught sight of Riker and Spock they came round the bar and walked
towards the two men.

McCoy got between them. "Hey, fellas, don't do this to me.
I've got a date with Lwaxana."

"Lwaxana Troi? My mother?"

McCoy sighed. "How many Lwaxanas do you know?"

"I suppose you're right."

"That's why I got to be the doctor, see, and you got to be
the . . ." He broke off as he realised just how close Kirk and
Picard were. "Uh, never mind. Look, Lwaxana's meeting me here in
ten minutes."

"Here? Ten minutes?" asked a panic-stricken Deanna. McCoy
nodded. "Jim, Jean-Luc, we're leaving. Now. Riker, you're
forgiven, just don't tell my mother I was here."

"Sure, Dee," said Riker, sitting down at the bar.

"Hold the fort, Doc," she said before running into the back
room. Kirk and Picard followed her.

McCoy watched their retreating forms before walking round to
the other side of the bar. "What'll you have, fellas?"

"Ooh. Free booze."

"Who said anything 'bout 'free'? Dee'll be back and I don't
want to get beat up by Kirk and Picard. I'm the only doctor in this

"Is that not illogical?" asked Spock, leaning against the

McCoy shrugged. "Sure, but it's a neat plot device."

"Ah, you mean that you will be dedicated to this town and
will not leave it?"

"Nah, it means that no one can kill me."

"I can see that would be an advantage. Death is overrated."

"Oh?" asked McCoy as he took three glasses from behind the
bar. "Care to tell me about it?"

"I cannot."

"Sworn to secrecy?"

"No. I cannot remember anything about it."

"Amnesia," said McCoy. "Fun." He grinned at Spock before
pouring the drinks. Spock and Riker took one each. "Bottoms up."

Riker looked round the bar. "Where?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Doctor McCoy was referring to the
glasses, Mr Riker."


"Hey, how come you know my name? You were unconscious when
I told Riker here."

"It is simple. I come from a far away planet -"

"That must be too simple for me," said McCoy.

"There is more."


"I come from a far away planet -"

"We already had that bit," said Riker.

Spock ignored him. "I come from a far away planet. I have
been searching the galaxy for many years. When I landed on this
planet I knew I would find what I was looking for."

"Great sex?"

"Mr Riker! Your preoccupation with sexual intercourse is
well known. I, on the other hand, am seeking spiritual
fulfilment." Spock turned back to McCoy. "As I was saying, I have
been searching the galaxy for the blue eyed doctor."

"Phlox? Didn't think he was your type, Spock, I mean the
guy's got three wives and that cute little ensign."

"I have told you before, this Phlox is a figment of your
imagination. There is no Captain Archer either."

"And no Malcolm Reed or Trip Tucker or Travis Mayweather
either?" he asked desperately.

"No. They are all figments."

Riker downed his drink, then poured another one and downed
it, too. "There's nothing worth living for anymore."

"What about the sheriff?" asked McCoy.

"You think I have a chance?"

"It doesn't hurt to try." McCoy grinned. "Look, I'll give
you a tip. He loves Balalaika music, you could serenade him."

Riker nodded. "And it would get rid of Q. Thanks, Doc,"
he said before walking out of the bar.

"What is a Q?" asked McCoy.

"He must have meant the queue, Balalaika music often has
that effect."

McCoy leant against the bar. "So, what were you saying
about a blue eyed doctor?"

"I had a dream, when I was young, that I would only find
comfort and fulfilment in the arms of a blue eyed doctor called
Leonard McCoy."

McCoy's face fell. "I'm Leonard H McCoy. Leonard McCoy
lives two towns over."

"Wait! The H, does it stand for Hermione?"

"How in blue blazes do you know that?"

"It was in my dream. It can only be you."

"True, how many Leonard Hermione McCoys can there be?"

"I know only one." He looked at McCoy, and his blue eyes,
and said, "Will you ride into the sunset with me?"

McCoy looked at his pocket watch. Lwaxana would be here in two
minutes. He looked back up at Spock. There was never any
competition. He came round the bar and offered Spock his
arm. "Let's go."


When Lwaxana finally arrived at the bar, she found it empty.
Naturally, she went to the sheriff's to find out what was going on.

As she entered the office Worf took the earplugs out. "Mrs
Troi," he said, "What can I do for you?"

"Sheriff Woof, I want you to tell me why my daughter's bar
is empty."

"It is Sunday, Mrs Troi. It's been quiet on Sundays ever
since the preacher left."

"The preacher?"

He nodded. "Little Russian Orthodox. He ran away with the
oriental ship captain, said he wanted to try the missionary
position. Convert the savages and all that."

"Ship captain? But we're nowhere near the sea."

Worf frowned. "I hadn't thought of that."

"No, I don't suppose you would have. Now, Woof, where is Dr

"He left town with a mysterious stranger."

"And Deanna?"

"She left, too."

"I suppose she took Jim and Jean-Luc with her."

"Yes, Mrs Troi."

"Such a shame. I've always like men with titles." She
thought for a moment then turned to Worf. "Well, Sheriff Woof,
there's just you and me now. How about it?"

Worf shuddered. He looked at Lwaxana and then at the
window. There was never any competition. He ran for the window.
Luckily the glass was low quality so it shattered as he jumped out.
He landed on the conveniently positioned horse.

"Worf!" said Riker, who was still playing the Balalaika and
was also on horseback.

Worf reached for the instrument and smashed it across his

"What was that for?"

"I hate Balalaika music."


"Woofie, where are you?"

Worf looked up at the window to find Lwaxana look at out at
him. She was going to climb down. He turned to Riker. "Ride 'em,
big boy."

Riker grinned and they did just that. They caught up with
Spock and McCoy, who hadn't got very far, and all four of them rode
off into the sunset, where they lived happily ever after, well,
until the next town, but that's another story entirely.