Title: Ride 'em, Big Boy
Author: Jazz Man
Summary: I can't explain it. Not
to be taken in the least bit
seriously. Written under the influence of too much sugar.
Warning: Features some TNG
characters. Not quite a cross-over, more
of a big mix up.
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone.
"I hope this won't take long, Sheriff," drawled Doctor McCoy as he
walked through to
the jail cells. "I have a date with Lwaxana
Sheriff Worf cocked his head. "Lwaxana Troi?"
looked at him. "How many Lwaxanas do you know?"
He raised his eyebrows. "I suppose you are right."
"Of course I am. That's why I got to be the
doctor, see, and why you got to be the sheriff."
"What's that supposed
to mean?" asked Worf, taking a
menacing step forward.
McCoy took a step back. "Uh, uh . . . that you're big and
He smiled, hoping that his teeth weren't about to be
Worf puffed his chest out. "Of course. What else
McCoy grumbled something under his breath.
"What was that?"
"Uh, I asked why you called
Worf led McCoy to the last cell and pointed at the two men
inside. "These two got in a fight. I need you
to patch them up.
It doesn't look good when there's beat up people in the jail."
"Not with your reputation, no,"
said McCoy, walking into the
cell. He looked down at the men. "Who are they?"
"Rode into town last night. No one
seems to know them."
"What does that mean?"
"Hmm?" asked McCoy. "Oh, that. It doesn't mean anything.
doctors say it; it's what they teach at medical school."
"Hmm," said Worf with a smile. "Does that make me a doctor?"
patted him on the arm. "There's a bit more to it than
At that point, one of the men woke up. He groaned.
knelt down next to the big bearded man. "Easy, boy,
easy. That's it, lean against the wall."
The man leant back
against the wall. "What happened?" he
"You had a run in with Kirk and Picard," said Worf.
"Deanna's guard dogs," said McCoy.
"Oh. She's still bitter about that Imzadi thing then."
thing?" asked Worf, eyes narrowing.
"Uh, I'd rather not explain."
Worf scowled. "Who are you?"
tried a grin. "Will Riker. My buddy's Spock cha
"That is an odd name."
McCoy looked up a Worf. "Like
Worf's a real normal name."
He turned to Riker. "I'm Doctor McCoy. This here's Sheriff Worf."
"Sheriff Worf?" Riker
grinned again as he looked Worf up
and down. "I've always liked men with titles."
Worf scowled again.
ignored them both and went over to the other
man. "Hmm," he said.
"What does that mean?" asked Riker.
doesn't mean anything," said Worf.
"Ooh. Brains, too."
"Actually, Worf, it does mean something this time."
here," he said, pointing down at the man. "Pointed
ears, greenish skin, and the green blood of course."
is an alien!"
McCoy stared at Worf, or more specifically at his forehead.
Worf blushed. "I told you before.
It was an accident with
a washboard at Mama Guinan's."
"Whatever." He bent over to take the alien man's
"Hey, that's not right."
Riker had managed to pull himself over to Worf and
McCoy. "Don't worry about Spock. He's
always been strange."
"But his pulse is way above normal and he's still
"It's some kind of
trance thing. Hit him and he'll come out
"Really?" asked Worf with a certain amount of glee.
Riker grinned. "Go ahead."
Worf flexed his muscles, but before he could do anything,
he's waking up," said McCoy.
Worf pouted. "It's not fair."
"I'll make it up to you, big boy," said Riker.
shuddered. "You are hereby released," he
said. "They're all yours, Doctor."
"No way. I've got a date, remember,
"How many Lwaxanas do you know?"
"I suppose you're right."
nodded. "That's why I got to be the doctor, see, and
you got to be the mysterious stranger."
"I believe I am the
mysterious stranger. Mr Riker is
McCoy turned to Spock. "So you're where all the action is?"
raised an eyebrow. "You could say that."
McCoy grinned. "Come on, let's go over to Deanna's. You
boys can apologise
and we can all have a drink."
Deanna's Bar and Grill was quiet when the three men entered.
walked up to the bar and banged on it. "Hey, Deanna,
get your pretty little -"
"What can I get you, Doc?" asked
Deanna as she appeared from
the back room.
"I don't want to have to call the sheriff out
McCoy grinned. "They're not all for me, Dee."
She frowned, and then caught sight of the two behind
"Jim, Jean-Luc, get out here now."
Kirk and Picard came out from the back room. When they
caught sight of Riker
and Spock they came round the bar and walked
towards the two men.
McCoy got between them. "Hey, fellas, don't do
this to me.
I've got a date with Lwaxana."
"Lwaxana Troi? My mother?"
McCoy sighed. "How many Lwaxanas do
"I suppose you're right."
"That's why I got to be the doctor, see, and you got to be
the . . ."
He broke off as he realised just how close Kirk and
Picard were. "Uh, never mind. Look, Lwaxana's meeting me here in
"Here? Ten minutes?" asked a panic-stricken Deanna. McCoy
nodded. "Jim, Jean-Luc, we're leaving. Now.
forgiven, just don't tell my mother I was here."
"Sure, Dee," said Riker, sitting down at the bar.
the fort, Doc," she said before running into the back
room. Kirk and Picard followed her.
McCoy watched their retreating
forms before walking round to
the other side of the bar. "What'll you have, fellas?"
"Ooh. Free booze."
said anything 'bout 'free'? Dee'll be back and I don't
want to get beat up by Kirk and Picard. I'm the only doctor in this
that not illogical?" asked Spock, leaning against the
McCoy shrugged. "Sure, but it's a neat plot device."
you mean that you will be dedicated to this town and
will not leave it?"
"Nah, it means that no one can kill me."
can see that would be an advantage. Death is overrated."
"Oh?" asked McCoy as he took three glasses from behind the
"Care to tell me about it?"
"Sworn to secrecy?"
"No. I cannot remember anything about it."
said McCoy. "Fun." He grinned at Spock before
pouring the drinks. Spock and Riker took one each. "Bottoms up."
looked round the bar. "Where?"
Spock raised an eyebrow. "Doctor McCoy was referring to the
glasses, Mr Riker."
how come you know my name? You were unconscious when
I told Riker here."
"It is simple. I come from a far away planet
"That must be too simple for me," said McCoy.
"There is more."
"I come from a far away
"We already had that bit," said Riker.
Spock ignored him. "I come from a far away planet. I have
searching the galaxy for many years. When I landed on this
planet I knew I would find what I was looking for."
"Mr Riker! Your preoccupation with sexual intercourse is
well known. I, on the other hand, am seeking spiritual
Spock turned back to McCoy. "As I was saying, I have
been searching the galaxy for the blue eyed doctor."
Didn't think he was your type, Spock, I mean the
guy's got three wives and that cute little ensign."
"I have told
you before, this Phlox is a figment of your
imagination. There is no Captain Archer either."
"And no Malcolm Reed
or Trip Tucker or Travis Mayweather
either?" he asked desperately.
"No. They are all figments."
his drink, then poured another one and downed
it, too. "There's nothing worth living for anymore."
"What about the
sheriff?" asked McCoy.
"You think I have a chance?"
"It doesn't hurt to try." McCoy grinned. "Look, I'll give
a tip. He loves Balalaika music, you could serenade him."
Riker nodded. "And it would get rid of Q. Thanks, Doc,"
said before walking out of the bar.
"What is a Q?" asked McCoy.
"He must have meant the queue, Balalaika music
McCoy leant against the bar. "So, what were you saying
about a blue eyed doctor?"
had a dream, when I was young, that I would only find
comfort and fulfilment in the arms of a blue eyed doctor called
McCoy's face fell. "I'm Leonard H McCoy. Leonard McCoy
lives two towns over."
"Wait! The H, does
it stand for Hermione?"
"How in blue blazes do you know that?"
"It was in my dream. It can only be you."
how many Leonard Hermione McCoys can there be?"
"I know only one." He looked at McCoy, and his blue eyes,
"Will you ride into the sunset with me?"
McCoy looked at his pocket watch. Lwaxana would be here in two
He looked back up at Spock. There was never any
competition. He came round the bar and offered Spock his
When Lwaxana finally arrived at the bar, she found it empty.
Naturally, she went to the sheriff's
to find out what was going on.
As she entered the office Worf took the earplugs out. "Mrs
Troi," he said, "What
can I do for you?"
"Sheriff Woof, I want you to tell me why my daughter's bar
"It is Sunday, Mrs
Troi. It's been quiet on Sundays ever
since the preacher left."
He nodded. "Little Russian
Orthodox. He ran away with the
oriental ship captain, said he wanted to try the missionary
position. Convert the savages
and all that."
"Ship captain? But we're nowhere near the sea."
Worf frowned. "I hadn't thought of that."
I don't suppose you would have. Now, Woof, where is Dr
"He left town with a mysterious stranger."
"She left, too."
"I suppose she took Jim and Jean-Luc with her."
"Yes, Mrs Troi."
a shame. I've always like men with titles." She
thought for a moment then turned to Worf. "Well, Sheriff Woof,
just you and me now. How about it?"
Worf shuddered. He looked at Lwaxana and then at the
window. There was never
any competition. He ran for the window.
Luckily the glass was low quality so it shattered as he jumped out.
on the conveniently positioned horse.
"Worf!" said Riker, who was still playing the Balalaika and
was also on horseback.
reached for the instrument and smashed it across his
"What was that for?"
"I hate Balalaika music."
where are you?"
Worf looked up at the window to find Lwaxana look at out at
him. She was going to climb down. He
turned to Riker. "Ride 'em,
Riker grinned and they did just that. They caught up with
Spock and McCoy,
who hadn't got very far, and all four of them rode
off into the sunset, where they lived happily ever after, well,
the next town, but that's another story entirely.