The Sound of Breaking Hearts

Title: The Sound Of Breaking Hearts
Author: Jazz Man
Rating: PG
Codes: S/Mc
Notes: St after the five year mission. Spock goes to Gol.

The Sound Of Breaking Hearts
Jazz Man

Spock sighed then straightened his shoulders and pressed the door chime.

"Come on in," came a voice from inside.

Spock did as instructed. As the door behind him closed he spoke, "Leonard. We
need to talk."

McCoy looked at him. "Okay," he said hesitantly. "What about."

Spock sat down opposite McCoy. "What will happen now that our mission is over."

"Ah. That."

"I am going back to Vulcan."

"To Vulcan?"

He nodded. "To Gol."

The word hung in the silence between them.

"To Gol," said McCoy finally. He took a deep breath and blew it out again. "I
suppose it's your decision."

Spock stared at him. He had been prepared for several different reactions.
This hadn't been one of them. But then, this was McCoy; what he said wasn't
always what he felt. "This is my problem, Leonard, not yours."

"Doesn't that make it ours?" he asked quietly.

Spock shook his head. "No. I must return to Vulcan. I must go to Gol."

"Why?" asked McCoy. Then, so quietly that even Spock had to strain to hear,
"Wasn't it enough for you? Wasn't I good enough?"

Spock wanted desperately to take the other man in his arms, but knew he could
not. "You gave me so much, Leonard. You showed me how to love and to be loved.
I can never repay you for that."

"Then why are you leaving?"

"Because I must," he said simply. "Do you know why Vulcans suppress their
emotions?" McCoy shook his head. "Because they are so strong. A Vulcan's
emotions can overwhelm him as mine threaten to overwhelm me. If I express one
emotion, the others follow. I must go to Vulcan. I must purge myself of these

"But you're half Human, Spock, and Humans cannot live without their emotions."

"And I cannot live with them."

McCoy looked up. His gaze pierced Spock's heart. "What are you afraid of?"

Spock forced himself to hold the stare. "Myself, Leonard. I am afraid of
myself. I cannot risk losing control. If I were to lose my temper, I could
kill someone."

"And what of love, Spock?"

"I will be forever indebted to you for the love you have shown me, but the risk
is too high. I must go to Gol." Spock stood. He turned towards to the door
and made to leave.

"Spock . . ."

He could hear the pain in McCoy's voice, but he didn't turn around. He knew
that if he turned around, he would stay and that was the one thing he couldn't